Banishing Bedtime Blues
Banishing Bedtime Blues
"My son won't go to bed at night without a struggle. He keeps getting up with all kinds of excuses. It doesn't seem to matter what we tell him. Nothing works. What do you recommend?"This question was posed by a concerned parent in the middle of a fifteen-minute question and answer period following one of my Parent Talk System presentations. I knew a five-minute response to this important question was inadequate, but I offered advice anyway. I don't recall my exact answer - I think I mumbled something about consistency and the need to keep to a schedule. I'm sure I suggested returning the child to the bedroom as many times as he vacated it. I'm also sure my words were not very helpful or comforting.Later, as I thought about the bedtime issue and talked it over with friends, I realized there was no way I could have offered a quick solution to this complicated situation. There are too many variables - too many reasons for getting out of bed and too many possible responses.One effective response is to create a bedtime routine, an evening ritual that remains consistent. This ritual could include a ten-minute warning, dirty clothes in the hamper, bath, pajamas, teeth brushing, stories, prayer, hugs, and kisses. Routine provides security. When the routine is repeated with consistency, both the parent and the child begin to rely on it. Everyone knows and can anticipate what comes next. Each step follows the previous one, every time.When there is no set routine, bedtime is easier to resist. There is no expectation of what will happen next, no order of events to fall back on. The evening becomes too open-ended, too open to interpretation, too subject to change.If you have an ongoing bedtime ritual and your child still resists staying in his or her bedroom, ask yourself, "What does my child need? What is my child trying to get? What does my child want to accomplish?" Then invest some time in figuring out what it is that your child really wants.For some kids, getting out of bed is related to fear. They may have just had a nightmare, or they may have remembered one from the evening before. Perhaps they are scared of the dark or of being alone. Perhaps they feel insecure when you are out of sight.If fear is the issue, ask your child, "What would help you feel more safe?"Tell your child that one of your main roles as a parent is to help him or her feel safe. Then create a plan together. This could be turning on a fan if your child is afraid of noises, or turning on a light if he or she is afraid of the dark. Leave the door open if your child is insecure, or provide a comforting teddy bear to increase feelings of security. Perhaps you could allow the family dog to sleep in your child's room. One parent agreed to check on his child every half hour, "so you'll know I'm here," he told her.One woman I know had a child who was afraid of monsters. The solution? She filled an old window cleaner bottle with water and labeled it "Monster Spray.""This will rid your room of any old monster," she told her child, "and send it back to its own mommy and daddy." The "Monster Spray" sat on a bedside table to provide constant reassurance.Another need that children have is to get in on the action. When exciting things (or perceived exciting things) are going on downstairs, who would want to stay in bed? Your child may hear you laughing, talking on the phone, or watching TV and not want to miss out on any of the good stuff.If this is the case, make sure the "good stuff" isn't that good. Turn off the TV. Do something quiet for a few minutes. Or invite your child to join you in doing the dishes, scrubbing the kitchen floor, or bringing in firewood.Tell your child, "When you're up, I do things with you. When you go to bed, I have to get my work done. That's when I do a lot of grown-up stuff. You're welcome to join me if you want to, but you'll have to help. Tonight I'm folding laundry. Come on, join in."Another reason children resist bedtime is that they aren't tired yet. Their brains may still be racing at breakneck speed. If so, a routine that encourages them to wind down is helpful. It might be that your child needs a later bedtime, or perhaps it's time to eliminate that afternoon nap. Without a nap, evening tiredness descends more quickly. Or it could be that you're letting your child sleep in too late in the morning - of course your child isn't ready for bed if he or she slept in until 10 o'clock in the morning. It's a lot easier to get kids up than it is to get them to sleep, so wake your child up earlier.If your child keeps getting up to get a drink, add drinking to the regular bedtime routine. Provide a special cup that stays in your child's room. If he or she gets thirsty during the night, your child can use that cup to get a drink and then go directly back to bed.Remember, the goal with bedtime problems is containment. The idea is to contain the child in the bedroom. Create a safe place and keep returning the child to that safe place. Use the broken record technique if you have to - that's when you repeat the same sentence over and over as if you were a broken record."I know you'd like to stay up. It's time for you to be in your bed.""Just five more minutes, please?""I know you'd like to stay up. It's time for you to be in your bed.""I'm not tired.""I know you'd like to stay up. It's time for you to be in your bed."If you want to banish the bedtime blues, you'll have to invest time and energy in doing so. There is no quick fix, no simple answer, no solution that works for every child in every situation. Hang in there. Stay consistent. And remember: This, too, shall pass.Reproduced with permission from Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's
monthy E-zine, The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter. All rights reserved worldwide. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's monthly E-zine go to http://chickmoorman.com.Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller is two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They are the co-author of "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose."Chick Moorman is a veteran educator who has invested more than 40 years working with children, parents, and teachers. More than 300,000 participants have attended his lectures. Chick is an experienced talk show guest who has been on more than 300 radio and television shows in the past five years.Thomas Haller is a preeminent family and couples therapist. His private psychotherapy practice has specialized in couples and their families for over 25 years. Tom is a highly sought-after speaker on the topics of parenting and coupling. He is the director of the Healing Minds Institute.Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are on a mission to empower parents, teachers, and care-givers so they can in turn empower the children they love and serve. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's monthly E-zine on Response-Able Parenting, go to http://chickmoorman.com
Should You Train Before Bedtime?
Should You Train Before Bedtime?
A Japanese study found that if you exercise at night you will be
less tired the next day. Apparently it increases testosterone
levels.Whether this is the case or not I'm not sure. However, I do know
that in my own (and other peoples) experiences it depends on
what type of exercise you do.For those of you who have trained physically hard in the couple
of hours before bed and then ingested the necessary food
afterwards you may well have found it hard to drop off for a
good nights sleep.I know, in the past, this was the case for me.Think about it. It stands to reason!You perform hard physical training, get your body into an
'alive' state with blood pumping and sweat pouring, and
then expect it to quickly shut down and allow you those
precious eight hours sleep a night!NOT likely!If this sounds like you, or you would simply like a
way to unwind before bed while improving internal health,
then keep reading.All that is required from you is an acceptance of a
more holistic approach to exercise. Yes, physical training
where you sweat and work hard certainly has its place, but a
knowledge and application of other less movement based training
protocols is of immense value if good health is your objective.What type of exercise am I referring to? Well, for a start, one
that calms and centres the mind and focuses on slow, relaxed,
breathing.If you desire (and need) more quality sleep then doing
jumping jacks and "pumping iron" is not the answer!Joking aside, here is an easy to access relaxation exercise you
can use before bed to ensure you drift off into a restful
slumber.1. Lie on your back and focus on your breathing. Try and allow
your mind to clear.2. Establish your energy centre just below your belly button.
Breathe into this point.3. Focus on gentle full breathing.4. If you find it hard to drift off due to worries, anger,
sadness or any other emotion then try to focus on your
energy NOT on the emotion.5. Try to calm your energy down by addressing your breathing.
If you focus on what is bothering you it only serves to
bring more attention to it.6. Tell yourself you will wake up energised.7. Continue your gentle, unforced, relaxing breathing until
you drift off.Try this type of internal approach to getting better sleep
each night for a week and feel the relaxing benefits for
yourself!(c) Tim Webb 2005Tim Webb is a fitness instructor, Ju Jutsu instructor and competitor. He specialises in easily accessible deep breathing exercises that combine breath and mind together. His site http://www.BreathForSuccess.com offers a product that provides deep breathing exercises for invigorating yourself, relaxing, and highlights how your breath can be tied in with your goals to move you towards them in record time!
Bedtime and Sleep Habits
Bedtime and Sleep Habits
Bedtime and children's sleep habits can cause nightmares - for parents, that is! Often at the end of a long day all you want is a little peace and time for yourself. After all, you have probably devoted the entire to the service of children in some form.Whether it is putting bread on the table or being gainfully employed in an unpaid position as housekeeper and cook, you deserve a break.Come on, kids, be reasonable!But children do not always see bed-time from a parent's perspective. They often dispute calls for bed and complain loudly that it is too early.None of the other kids at school go to bed at 8 o'clock, Mum. "It's not fair." is the sort of line that is used in thousands of homes each night.Others procrastinate with toilet-time, last minute drinks and detailed arrangements of teddies so that bed-time stretches by half an hour before parents realise what is happening.Some parents are plagued by jack-in-the-boxes who reappear as soon as the bedroom light is turned off while others have night-callers who keep parents busy with comments such as: "I can't get to sleep."If bed-time presents difficulties in your home try the following ideas at kids' bed-time so that you can maximise the time you have for yourself and your partner.Decide on a time with your child then stick to it. There are no hard and fast rules about appropriate bed-times for children. However they should suit both parent and child. Discuss appropriate bed-times with children. Some youngsters fail to see that sleep is a biological need. They see it as something imposed on them by parents. I am constantly amazed how reasonable children can be when they have had the chance to participate in the decision-making process.Establish a bed-time routine well in advance that signals the end of the day. A known routine such as quiet time, drink, toilet and story lets children know what is expected of them and enables them to plan accordingly.Reduce over-stimulation before bed-time by ensuring children are engaged in passive activities such as homework, reading or watching television.Distinguish between being in bed and being in the bedroom. Children differ in the amount of sleep that they need. It is pointless to expect them to be in bed at a certain time each night and go to sleep. It is more realistic to be in their bedrooms at a set time. They can then regulate their behaviour. Once away from the adult world children generally fall asleep fairly quickly. Young children may remain on their beds surrounded by a favourite toy or books to keep them occupied before they fall asleep.Be firm with procrastinators at bedtime. Resist children's efforts to involve you in calls for drinks or assistance with forgotten homework at bed-time. Once in bed ignore their calling out and demonstrate that you are unwilling to participate in their games.One parent I know begins reading a bed-time story whether her child is in bed or not. As her daughter treasures her story this is generally enough to have her rushing to bed.Temporarily remove distractions at bed-time. Sometimes turning off the television can be enough to send children to bed.Avoid sitting with young children until they fall asleep. This may be all right once in a while but habits are easily formed and often difficult to break. Many parents who sit with young children until they drop off discover that they have made a rod for their own backs.Ignore or return boomerangs to their rooms and give them a minimum attention. Children will generally tire of being jack-in-the-boxes when they get little feed-back for the behaviour. If you have an extremely persistent boomerang then you may have to steel yourself for several nights. Be persistent and give little feed-back to them.Bed-time with adolescence needs to be negotiated. They are generally capable of regulating their own sleep however it may be necessary to remind them your need for some time alone.Impress upon children that night are yours and extremely precious. Short of a nightmare or an earthquake, you do not wish to be disturbed.Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.