You Have to Show Up: On Small Miracles (Okay, maybe not so small) – Grief-Loss
You Have to Show Up: On Small Miracles (Okay, maybe not so small)
I hadn't intended to go to my cousin's funeral.That sounds terrible, I know. And if I had chosen to focus on the 18 year estrangement of various factions of my family from each other and my own 15 year estrangement from my uncles (hey, Greeks are a war-like people, what can I say?), I could have patted myself on the back for the fact that I had gone to the wake and let it go at that.But if you knew the littlest thing about me, you would know that I recognize an inner dragon when I see one. And, once I see one, I have to slay it. It's a sacred covenant I have with myself.And, should I get tempted to walk away from a soul-defining battle, I have some very powerful people watching my back. Powerful people who won't let me slack off. Powerful people who say just what I need to hear to remind me of how powerful love is and the miracles that can unfold when we Show Up.To prepare to attend the wake, I visited with my dear friend and spiritual Rock of Gibraltar, Mike Schwass, (http://www.dontblamethegame.com). He shared with me some of the last conversation he had with his dear friend, Blackhawk's Keith Magnuson a month before he died.You have to show up. Just your presence can be so powerful. You have to show up.Mike has a way of planting seeds in my head that grow...and grow...and grow. Guru-types are like that.This brought me to a lesson from an anonymous reader at my blog this week:You can criticize or you can educate."Anonymous reader" chose to criticize my falling prey to a pervasive myth on Chinese calligraphy interpretation but never gave the slightest clue to how I could correct my path. All I got was, "sorry, you are wrong, seeya."Thankfully I am naturally inquisitive, so I was inspired to do research and enjoyed learning more. However, I could just as easily been hurt, embarrassed and defensive at being publicly defrocked as my unwitting blunder was exposed to my readers.But since I also believe everyone is a Buddha here to teach me something I paid attention to what was really happening here.You can criticize or you can educate.The biggest reason I was going to avoid the funeral was due to my own belief that everyone in my family was going to do it wrong. That it would be a fiasco. That my grudge-holding family, in the midst of chaos and tragedy would just pour fresh gasoline on fires which had been smoldering for 18 years and I didn't want any part of it.No, I just wanted to sit in the woods and meditate and not be soiled by the whole thing. Not be irritated. Tempted to jump into the fray. Resurrect my Greek Evil Eye.You have to show up (you big weenie).The truth is I did know how to show up. Sure, there is something familiar about being pissed at my family. It's just so easy. And, face it, anger is energizing. Gossip has a certain seduction to it. There's momentum. Criticism is so easy.But love is more powerful.Yes, it's a harder place to hold. It takes work. It takes a conscious conviction to stand for love when there are so many temptations to blame, to judge, to criticize. It's easier to walk away.It's easy to walk away until you realize that your very integrity is on the line. I'm either walking the talk or I'm not. I'm either adding to the love or I'm adding to the pain. I'm either criticizing or educating.You have to show up. Just your presence can be so powerful. You have to show up.I showed up.I'm here to tell you that my 15 year estrangement from my uncles has ended. We talked. And hugged. And the one that was most difficult to reach, who has been estranged from the entire family for 18 years accepted an invitation to come to my home next weekend. He even came out to the parking lot as I was about to drive away to make sure I knew the best route home.My uncle's laughter is one of my favorite sounds of all time. It's brilliant and silly and mischievous and infectious. It is the sound of everything that was ever right and good in my family. And next weekend, his laughter will fill my home.Laura Young is a personal development and business coach. She is a contributing author to A Guide to Getting It: Purpose and Passion and Become Your Own Great and Powerful: A Woman's Guide to Leading a Real, Big Life. She has recently been featured on By, For and About Women and Artists First Radio. To learn more about her, visit http://www.wellspringcoaching.comTo visit Laura's blog, visit http://antwatching.blogspot.com
Grief Masks – Grief-Loss
Grief Masks
October makes me think of Halloween, and Halloween makes me think of masks, and masks remind me that sometimes when we're grieving, we wear masks without even realizing it. We may never stop to think about how other people perceive our appearances, our images and our behaviors. Over time, we may gradually drift into a pattern of "being" that is so familiar to us we never realize that others might be seeing us in a totally different way.Our pain may have caused us to have an outwardly distorted appearance, even when inwardly we may actually feel we are reconciling to our losses. Some people appear to be continually anger and bitter, when in fact it is only a reflection of their sadness. Even though their inward hostilities have begun to soften and resolve, on the outside they have kept their protective masks of fierceness. In reality, they are starved for love and companionship, but they are afraid to let their true feelings show. What if they were ridiculed, violated or abandoned and therefore hurt anew?On the other hand, there are those who have adopted a perpetually "sunny" countenance that covers an internal sorrow. Their hearts and minds and faith may be splintered, but they are determined that the people around them will never guess their secret. They may believe that showing sorrow is a weakness that will drive away the people they think they need.It would appear that masks are psychological props that seem to protect us from something we fear. For some people, self disclosure is as repulsive as public nudity! It seems safer for mask-wearers to endure the lack of support and attention they so sorely need rather than to honestly reveal their innermost feelings.I wonder what would happen if we all let down our guards and allowed our families, friends, neighbors and co-workers to discover our real pain. Would our revelations really make us any more weak or vulnerable? Would we really be at any more emotional risk? Could we be hurt any more than we've already been?Naturally, if we take the chance of disclosing our true selves, revealing where we are weak or frightened or hurt, there is always the possibility that we might become prey for the predators. The vultures seem always to be circling. But there is also the chance that we will provide an opportunity for the intelligent, strong and compassionate of our peers to offer their support. Where there is evil, there is also good. Where there is pain, there is also healing. Nature teaches us that in life, there is balance.Precisely because we have suffered the ultimate wound-the death of one who was truly loved-perhaps eventually we can afford to take more risks. It's a tough issue: Dare we risk the pain of being hurt again if we disclose? Or have we become strong enough and brave enough to take a chance on the rediscovery of love and the richness of new attachments? Is it true that what does not kill us makes us stronger?Perhaps it becomes a question of giving ourselves enough time to form scar tissue. We may need to proceed cautiously, taking baby-step risks at first, trusting our most private thoughts, feelings and needs to only one or two close and dependable friends. We may need to test the formation of delicate new bondings-even in old relationships!Gradually, we may be able to uncover enough of our hidden courage to feel safe in abandoning our protective masks and revealing our true feelings-not only to the world at large, but more importantly, to ourselves.Good Grief Resources (http://www.goodgriefresources.com) was conceived and founded by Andrea Gambill whose 17-year-old daughter died in 1976. Almost thirty years of experience in leading grief support gropus, writing, editing, and founding a national grief-support magazine has provided valuable insights into the unique needs of the bereaved and their caregivers and wide access to many excellent resources. The primary goal of Good Grief Resources is to connect the bereaved and their caregivers with as many bereavement support resources as possible in one, efficient and easy-to-use website directory.
Suicide Survivor – Grief-Loss
Suicide Survivor
Suicide is a nightmare for survivors of loved ones. Death in itself is hard to cope with but when someone you love intentionally takes their life, this pain is somehow multiplied many times over. Your mind races with unanswered questions and your heart pounds in shock ? then it hits you. They are GONE, taken from this earth by their own actions, and there is nothing you can do to get them back.Most people struggle with the ultimate unanswered question ? WHY?Why would they do this? Why didn't I help? Why didn't I see it coming? Why was I not there for this person? Why didn't I call more, visit more, and pay more attention? Although there can be a multitude of factors that made this person's life difficult, nobody truly knows what drives a person to take their own life. For many survivors this 'why' question will haunt them forever.After all the whys and flooding tears comes reality. The emotional rollercoaster of reality; the time you realize it's too late for prevention, too soon for comfort, but yet somehow you need to cope with what has happened. So many thoughts, emotions, memories, solutions, all of which bring no comfort to the persisting finality forced upon you.There is some truth to the saying that 'Time Heals All Wounds' as somehow in the aftermath of death and tragedy, the sharpness of the pain wears itself down. Grief and sorrow withstanding; the aching dulls with the passage of time. Although counseling is an effective healing method for some, it does not work for everyone. Each person needs to somehow find a place for this emptiness somewhere within the layers of their life. Finding the psycho-philosophical layer that allows you to accept this affliction and move forward is the most challenging of the surviving factors.I urge anyone suffering from the aftermath of a suicide to seek whatever help necessary to assist in coping. Things will never be the same but you can control your own destiny. You must choose to accept the tragedy and move forward with your own life.My heart and sympathy goes out to the many people affected by suicide and other family tragedies. I speak from experiences encountered from the suicide loss of my father, a 17 yr old sister who died in a car accident, an older sister who narrowly survived a severe traumatic brain injury, and a younger sister I watch struggle with the evils of alcoholism.Take care of yourself and your family and remember to ALWAYS hug and cherish the loved ones in your life.National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)About the Author:
My father's senseless death in 2001 left my life in shambles. Finding the strength and dignity to go on for myself and my children proved to be the most difficult feat ever.I have chosen to leave the corporate world to stay home and spend more time with my family. Equity Zip Financial provides GUARANTEED, quality driven consumer credit restoration and is online at http://www.equityzipfinancial.com.Click here ===> http://www.brixdaleworks.com, for an outstanding mortgage reduction program. Bi-weekly's are nice but Brixdale is far better!Click here ===> http://www.gpsnannyproducts.com for quality GPS products including kid tracking, vehicle tracking, RFID mapping, and elderly safety & monitoring devices.